Been so long

I'm still here just haven't posted....I don't have much new.

work: getting better, i'm getting used to the situation so that's always a good thing
FG: just returned from vacation and I haven't heard a word from him....maybe this is really it this time. he did remove several things from his myspace page which makes me wonder if something ended. i did hear from him right before he left but i ignored it because i'm confused and sad and don't know what to do.

this weekend i'm off to nc and I cannot wait to be gone. i haven't seen my friend and the kids in forever. i finally get to meet the new baby who will soon be my god daughter, it's awesome.

i wish summer would get here already, i'm so tired of waiting for fun.

~M

What's going on

The past weekend I was supposed to be in Chicago...8 girls a big weekend of fun. Instead we got to the airport, checked in and had the flight cancelled....awesome. Some of us did go out that night in the storm for dinner and drinks...we had an uninvited guest but that's for another time. I love st. patrick's day so much, I'm very irish and usually the chance to hang out with all my friends would be awesome. I don't know if I'm getting old or if I was that bummed out about Chicago but I didn't really have much fun this weekend. I ended up local hanging with an ex that just wasn't a smart idea, someday I'll learn. I fear I've opened up a whole can of worms that isn't going to close as easily this time.

FG update: So we had a minor spat last week at 3am...we didn't speak the rest of the week. I didn't hear from him in days, which is unusual since I haven't seen him in a few weeks. He didn't call or text once this whole weekend. SO I texted him saturday morning, nothing...texted again Sunday and sent an email..got a Hi text. Was out, told him so and heard nothing the rest of the day. Sent a text at 3am lastnight..i know i know everything I complain about him doing I do too...it's a vicious cycle. This morning woke up pissed, I hate being ignored, irrationally so I'll admit but I seriously can't stand it. I sent him a kiss off text....not one word all day long. Now he may or may not text me tonight but I'm kinda doubting it, he's off to fun city for a vacation which I guess means he'll have his full of fun so why wear himself out tonight...ugh! There is this chick all over his website that kinda resembles me in that we are both blonde but of course she's skinnier...she's all over this thing so I'm guessing she's the new one. Sadly I've been through 3 years of this and it never gets easier.

Other news: church thing is almost over. It's exciting to come to this place in my life, I need to connect more with my spiritiality, right now I"m kinda going through the motions. I went ot mass on Sunday and enjoyed it and want to make it a habit, my laziness will probably get in the way though. I'm 30 years old and I need to figure out my life. I need to find a guy I like that likes me back! I need to either learn to love my job or get another one....and I need to find peace with my friends.

so much to do...thankfully the days are getting longer ;)

I don't care

You know when you need to move on to something better for your health and sanity. I have reached that point 11 billion times in my life....but 3 years later I'm still in the same location. I torture myself daily with myspace, I have nightmares about the situation and yet I spend a lot of my day thinking of how much I miss the person. Many times I walk away from a situation and do not look back, don't bother thinking about it anymore....but this 1 time, 1 situation has proven impossible for me to let go. It's pathetic and I can only hope to learn soon enough that I want something more out of life. I told him I was sick and his response was to not contact me for the past 3 days....nice. Although the myspace page is a world of insight, seems he has someone to occupy him anyway.

a long ago friend recently contacted me for this stupid myspace thing and wanted to be my friend. I denied her. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would...this girl was so nasty to me at the end of college and took a few of our mutual friends with her...I spend my college graduation alone and to this day have not forgotten those feelings. I only speak to 1 person from college still and I'm very jealous of those that have really close relationships from that time in their life. I'm already 30 when is life going to work out for me?

~M

March - month o'parties

This weekend was a big event in my town. A big party event that all my friends got into. It was awesome and so fun to be with all my friends...but I of course made it a disaster

~Only did 1 carbomb
~still got as drunk as last year when I did 6
~made an ass out of myself in front of ultra conservative cousin over the Foreigner
~Foreigner treated me like crap in front of family & friends
~I practically begged him to come home with me anyway for sex....he said no
~He did a drive by for bad sex that night before leaving to go back out with his friends......seriously what is wrong with me?

I also found out that one of my friends has changed her summer plans and it's really bumming me out. I need to be as busy as possible and as far away from old beach as possible to move on from this foreign issue....this new news is not helping. I just hate when things don't go my way....nice trait I know.
The thing is that even if I'm not seeing him, 4589034803248 other girls do and it's frustrating b/c I never got good at more then 1 guy at a time.....I'm the queen of long term non-relationships, something every girls dreams of I'm sure.

I'm hoping to move on and I need a freaking date already, but match is what my friends use and it never worked for me. It was the basis of the longests and most painful non relationship of my 20s. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have a cold and I'm the worst sick person....I never managed to suck it up, it's gonna be a long week.